Communicator transforms piece for the small screen
Make mine to go.
More than half of your audience members now receive your emails, visit your web pages and engage with your social media channels via their mobile devices, not their laptops.
That makes it time for a mobile makeover. Here’s how Walter Doerschuk of Grabowski & Co. rewrote his message for the small screen at my most recent Write for Mobile Master Class:
Headline and deck
Focus on the front. In the original, the keyword — depression — doesn’t show up until 16 words in:
Your resource to starting 2018 on the right foot
Find strategies for you to cope with depression in the new year
That makes it hard for Google (and humans!) to figure out what this story’s about.
In his after, Walter puts the keyword right where it belongs: at the front of the headline:
Depression strategies for the new year
Find innovative ways to cope with a global issue from Right Direction
You can see the difference at a glance. The original spends 63 words establishing the background on depression before getting to the point: Here are some strategies for coping.
We all sometimes face day-to-day struggles. But sometimes, they turn serious.
Do any of these sound familiar to you?
- Loss of concentration or energy.
- Lack of motivation.
- Little or no sleep.
- Feeling worthless.
If so, you are not alone.
These are all symptoms of depression. It’s a global problem, affecting one out of every 10 people and costing employers $210.5 billion each year.
It’s your time to start 2018 off on the right foot.
In his rewrite, Walter draws readers in by focusing on their favorite subjects — themselves. Note that the list of symptoms is much more interesting when they’re my symptoms instead of just symptoms:
Then a couple of sentences of background information. I like the one in 10 stat more than the “costs employers billions” message. I’d use the latter when communicating to employers instead of individuals.
If so, you are not alone. Millions like you around the world face the same struggles. Depression affects one out of every 10 people, and it’s costing employers $44 billion each year.
And look how much higher the point of the piece — the coping strategies — are:
The bold-faced lead-ins work well in Walter’s original body:
- Don’t think about perfection. Mistakes will come, but everybody makes them. Change your mindset. Recognize that issues will arise, and it will prepare you to face them.
- Do remember why you’re there..Work may be difficult, and you may make mistakes. Turn your attention to more important reasons why you work. They may be financial security, a sense of accomplishment or being part of a team.
- Don’t let work become a priority over recovery.. Your job is a crucial part of your life, but it isn’t the only one. Take proper care of yourself outside of work including. Get enough sleep, exercise and proper nutrition.
- Do find strategies that work for your symptoms.. Is keeping focus on a big project one of your challenges? Chunk that project into smaller, more manageable jobs.
But the revision is more effective:
Strategies to deal with depression
Here’s your chance to get back in the right direction. Find these new strategies to tackle depression courtesy of the University of Michigan Depression Tool Kit.
- Don’t think about perfection. Mistakes will come, but everybody makes them. Change your mindset. Recognize that issues will arise.
- Do remember why you work. Turn your attention to more important reasons why you’re there such as financial security, a sense of accomplishment or belonging to a team.
- Don’t let work become a priority over recovery. Take proper care of yourself outside of work including. Get enough sleep, exercise and proper nutrition.
- Do find strategies that work for your symptoms. Is keeping focus on a big project one of your challenges? Chunk it into smaller, more manageable jobs.
Look at that subhead! It grabs attention, lets people know where to look for the strategies, and even changes the way people look at your web page.
Also, check out that link. Links, being blue and underlined, are among the most visual words on a page. For scanners, it’s the difference between learning Find these new strategies to tackle depression and learning here. (However, I’d find a way to avoid repeating so closely the message in the subhead.)
I like numbering the tips, but I would put that number in the subheads, too.
Notice that the second list is 31 words shorter than the first.
Skim the original section. You get “do” out of it:
- Your co-workers, family and friends are there for advice or even just a listening ear.
- Consult with your company’s EAP for additional resources.
- If you have an immediate and urgent crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).
For more resources, check here: University of Michigan Depression Tool Kit.
Skim the second. You get “How to get help: Talk, Consult, Call”:
How to get help
If you still struggle, there are more ways to find assistance.
- Talk with your co-workers, family and friends for advice or even just a listening ear.
- Consult with your company’s employee assistance program for additional resources.
- Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) with an immediate crisis.
I’d bold-face a bit more:
- Talk with your co-workers, family and friends …
- Consult with your company’s employee assistance program … Call the National Suicide Prevention Line …
Notice that the second list is parallel and imperative, just like Aunt Ann (and other readers) want it to be.
I like the way Walter wrapped the resource into the body of the second piece.