Opioid crisis goes beyond the inverted pyramid

WCB-Alberta uses feature structure to discuss addiction

I love it when my clients send me before-and-after pieces after I present a writing workshop.

For one thing, it’s gratifying to see that people’s writing actually improves after I visit! For another, these pieces make great case studies in good writing.

Workers Compensation Board-Alberta writer Caren Baroudy recently did a wonderful job rewriting an article for the WCB’s client magazine. Notice how her rewrite:

• Focuses the angle on reader benefits. Baroudy moves from event to impact, changing the story angle from WCB’s new opioid claim rollout to how employers can help save employees from addiction and overdose by using the board’s new resources.
• Uses the feature-style story structure. This approach has been proven in the lab to be more effective at reaching readers. It also allows writers to plug and play their information into an existing format, saving time and effort. In fact, Baroudy did much of this revamp during a morning workshop — a workshop in which your dear writing coach spent most of the time talking.
• Keeps the piece short. The revised piece weighs in at less than 200 words — a one-minute read. The original is actually a little longer, at 213 words. Which goes to show that you can use the feature-style story structure even when you don’t have a lot of space.

Get a refresher on the feature-style structure.

Here’s Baroudy’s original piece:

Headline and deck

The original headline is interesting enough, but doesn’t relate to the topic: opioid abuse. It might work better for an article on, say, drunk driving or texting and driving.

You’re in the driver’s seat!

But the revised headline reflects the real subject of the story:

Solid Opioid Claim Management prevents addiction and overdose

Deck

This original deck gives us a sense that the story is going to cover the event instead of the impact:

Opioid Claims Management rollout now complete

The revised deck signals a WIIFM angle:

Opioid resources can keep you on course

To tighten the headline, lead with the benefit and avoid repeating “Opioids,” I’d go with “Prevent addiction and overdose” for the headline.

Lead

Any time you see the phrase “Throughout [year]” at the beginning of a story, you know it’s going to be a background lead, aka blah-blah-blah background:

There’s a reason the feature-style story structure places the background in the third paragraph, not the first.

Instead, lead with a startling statisticor another approach that’s concrete, creative and provocative, as Baroudy did in her rewrite:

Nut graph

Baroudy didn’t include a nut graph in her original news story, because inverted pyramids don’t have nut graphs.

But in her rewrite, this paragraph deftly puts the story “into a nutshell” and shows readers how they’re going to benefit from the piece:

Body

The original angle — what we did, how the sausage was made — isn’t very interesting to clients whose employees are abusing opioids.

Readers want to know, “What’s in it for me?”

The revised body, on the other hand, focuses on the readers’ needs with a list of tips for dealing with the crisis:

These three tips transform the story into a service, or how-to, story.

I love lists that start with imperatives, such as “familiarize,” “engage” and “let.” We call the imperative voice the command voice, but in a tipsheet like this, it’s really the invitation voice.

Wrapup

There’s nothing wrong with this call to action, but it isn’t very rousing:

In Baroudy’s rewrite, on the other hand, the wrapup is nice, neat and sweet:

Kicker

Here Baroudy ends with a bang and comes full circle by referring back to statistics in the lead:

And out.

Now let’s see yours! Please post or link to your original inverted pyramid and revised feature in the comments section.